


Assassin Appropriation

by The_Devil_In_The_Details_666



Series: All The Batfam BS [59]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: And instead of working on my 5 billion other WIPs, Crack Treated Seriously, Dick Grayson is So Done, Drinking, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I love Tim but this boy is dumb as shit sometimes, I use the word 'seriously' very loosely, Jason Todd Being a Little Shit, M/M, Ninja, Oops, Tim Drake Being a Little Shit, Tim Drake Makes Bad Decisions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:27:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24418117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Devil_In_The_Details_666/pseuds/The_Devil_In_The_Details_666
Summary: It all started with a bottle of vodka and a bad idea.(Alternatively: Tim accidentally becomes a ninja boss.)
Relationships: Bart Allen & Tim Drake & Kon-El | Conner Kent, Tim Drake/Jason Todd
Series: All The Batfam BS [59]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1514906
Comments: 103
Kudos: 668
Collections: Works good enough I will definitely reread





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the quote prompt:
> 
> A: "How the fuck do you join the mob ON ACCIDENT?"  
> B: "Not gonna lie, there was a lot of vodka involved."
> 
> Obviously, I'm not staying strictly to the prompt, but close enough.

It started, like most bad ideas, halfway through a bottle of vodka. Tim was having a ‘Bro Night’ with Kon and Bart, getting drunk and complaining about whoever had pissed them off most recently. Kon regaled them with the dumb shit Clark had pulled, Bart complained about his neighbor who apparently thought that having extremely loud parties every night was acceptable, and Tim, having found two of Ra’s ninja’s in his apartment planting bugs when he got home, of course released his anger at the creepy old geezer.

“That fuckin’- fuckin’  _ raisin _ , sending his ninjas to bug my apartment! He doesn’t even offer  _ dental _ ! What kinda fuckin’ shitty-ass ninja boss doesn’t offer  _ dental _ ?!?”

Bart giggled, taking another drink of his speedster alcohol, then stated, “You could be a better ninja boss.”

“I totally could! This is bullshit!”

Kon reached out to clumsily pat his head, nearly falling off the couch as he urged, “Start recruiting the ninjas Ra’s sends! You could totally turn them against him!”

Tim giggled and the conversation soon changed. But the seed had been planted and the batshit crazy part of Tim’s brain fully intended to grow that seed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was 2 AM, Tim had a concussion, and he hadn’t slept in at least 76 hours. None of those fully excused Tim’s dumb decision, but they certainly helped explain it.

At least it was a nice help wanted ad. Clear, concise, stating that Tim was looking to recruit any ninja who was no longer interested in working for Ra’s. Tim honestly had no memory of making the ad or hacking into Ra’s systems to show it, but next thing he knew, there was a ninja sitting in his office at Wayne Enterprises. Tim had no idea how the ninja had gotten in, but there she was, dressed in an odd mix of League gear and interview attire, sitting in one of the uncomfortable chairs at Tim’s desk. She had a katana strapped to her back and a sheaf of papers in her hands and Tim carefully moved past her to sit at his desk, asking, “Can I help you, Ms…?”

“Ise Nakamura. I am here to respond to the ad you posted? I was unsure of where to submit an application and Ms. Fox simply told me to come in when I called.”

Tim pinched the bridge of his nose and Ise shifted, then stated, “I have a resume.”

Tim hesitated, then held out his hand for her resume. She handed it over and Tim looked through it, querying, “Your resume is impressive, but do you think you’ll be able to adopt a strictly non-lethal fighting style?”

Ise mulled it over for a moment, then replied, “I believe so, yes.”

“Excellent. I see that you have your contact information on your resume, so I’ll discuss your resume with my partner and get back to you within the week.”

Ise smiled and left the office, leaving Tim to figure out how to bring it up with Jason.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I graduated high school today. Wild.

“Tim.”

Tim gave Jason a sheepish smile and Jason raised an eyebrow, dropping Ise’s resume on the kitchen table and asking, “What in the fresh fuck is this?”

“A ninja resume?”

“I can see that, Baby Bird. Why the fuck did you hand me a ninja resume?”

Tim shifted awkwardly, then confessed, “I kinda sorta maybe accidentally put out a ninja help wanted ad to steal Ra’s’s ninjas?”

Jason stared at Tim with the same blatant, stunned disbelief that Tim often got after admitting to one of his batshit crazy ideas and finally took a deep breath, asking, “Tim. Baby Bird. How in the  _ actual fucking fuck _ do you  _ accidentally _ put out a ninja help wanted ad?”

“It was 2 AM and I had a concussion? I honestly don’t remember doing it. There was vodka involved in the idea, though.”

Jason just looked tired and dropped into the chair across from Tim, querying, “And what are you planning to do with a ninja?”

Tim closed his laptop and answered, “Uh, well, I’m not actually entirely certain. I was thinking she could help with surveillance and our night work when we’re busy? And her resume states that she has an accounting degree, so she could work at W.E. during the day? It was more of a ‘Ra’s doesn’t offer dental and the less ninjas he has, the less ninjas he can send to bug the apartment’ kind of thing. I’m sure we can find something, though.”

Jason stared at him for several long seconds before finally putting his head in his hands and sighing, “I cannot believe that I’m about to say this, but give her a call and set up a second interview. I want to meet her before you hire a ninja.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ise and Jason got along like a house on fire and, before Tim knew it, he was suddenly the employer of a ninja. Ise had wasted no time interviewing for the position in the accounting department of W.E. and passed with flying colors, starting as Wayne Enterprises’ newest accountant. Tim and Jason spent a few weeks retraining her to use non-lethal fighting techniques and teaching her about Gotham, then it was time for Ise to get her introduction to the field. Tim assigned her to plant cameras at a warehouse he suspected of being the base of operations for a human trafficking gang he was tracking and to stop any crimes she saw along the way while Tim himself went undercover to try to bait the gang. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unfortunately, the night was a bust on Tim’s end. The gang hadn’t shown up at the club he suspected they would and he was just heading home, wishing he had worn shorter heels, when his phone rang. He pulled it out, raising an eyebrow as he realized that it was Dick’s Nightwing number, then answered it, greeting, “Hey, N. What’s up?”

There was tense silence for a long moment before Dick greeted, “Hey, Tim. Is there something you’d like to tell me?”

Tim furrowed his brows, trying to figure out what Dick was referring to, and answered, “Uh, no? Why?”

“I have a ninja here insisting she works for you.”

Tim swore under his breath and asked, “Can you put it on speaker for a minute?”

There was the telltale click of a comm being set to speaker and Ise stated, “My apologies for disturbing you, Mr. Drake.”

“No, no, it’s my fault, Ise. I forgot to tell the rest of the family that I was hiring you. N, let her go. She does work for me. I thought I had sent out a text, but I guess not.”

There were several beats of silence before Dick, in his all-too-familiar ‘I Am Your Big Brother And What The Fuck Do You Think You Are Doing’ voice, ordered, “Cave. Now. And I’m bringing the ninja with me.”

Well, shit. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim reached the Cave just in time to see Dick dragging a handcuffed Ise towards one of the isolation cells. Ise looked unperturbed and Tim kicked his heels off, hurrying over and calling, “Seriously, Dick, she works for me. Well, me and Jason. Let her go.”

Dick looked at Tim like Tim had just grown a second head and slowly, like he was talking to a small child, stated, “Tim. This is one of Ra’s al Ghul’s ninjas.”

“Was. I put in my resignation last week.”

Dick looked between Tim and Ise for several long seconds, then took a deep breath and closed his eyes, asking, “Tim, why do you have a ninja working for you?”

“Honest answer? I put out a help wanted ad to Ra’s’s ninjas while I was concussed and Ise showed up with a very impressive resume. I figured, what the Hell, the less ninjas Ra’s has, the less ninjas he can send to stalk me. Plus, Ise has insider knowledge of the League and is currently working with Jason to put together a coordinated takedown of several League-adjacent side groups, including the trafficking ring we’re working on removing right now that’s been supplying slaves to some of the mines. I’m holding out hope for a few more ninjas to apply so we have enough to hit some of the core groups.”

Dick opened his eyes to give Tim an incredulous look and Tim shrugged, stating, “Besides, it’s a nice big ‘Fuck you’ to Ra’s.”

Dick continued to stare at Tim for several long, drawn out seconds, before finally giving a defeated sigh and unlocking the handcuffs around Ise’s wrists. He put his head in his hands and took several deep breaths, then, to himself, muttered, “How did I end up the sanest of Bruce’s children?”

Tim patted Dick’s shoulder gently and answered, “Don’t worry, you’re not. Duke still has you beat.”

Dick lifted his head from his hands and answered, “I found him swordfighting Damian on the roof yesterday.”

“And you decided to go out in scaly panties and punch criminals when you were 11. Everything is relative.”

Dick threw his hands up at that and stalked over to the showers, half-shouting, “I give up! Take your ninja and leave!”

“Her name is Ise.”

Dick threw a balled up glove at Tim and Tim grinned, gesturing for Ise to follow him.


	3. Chapter 3

Tim groaned as he and Ise got off his motorcycle outside his apartment building and requested, “Next time I mention going undercover, do me a favor and remind me to wear shorter heels, please? My calves are dying.”

Ise nodded as they headed up to the apartment and Tim pulled out his keys, unlocking the door and then ducking underneath the knife that was thrown at his head. Ise caught it and Tim pulled his bo staff from under his dress, expanding it out and lunging forward to attack the ninja that was in the apartment. Ise slunk around behind the ninja as Tim fought him, then landed a nerve strike to the back of the ninja’s neck that had him collapsing to the ground, temporarily paralyzed from the neck down. Tim wasted no time in dragging the ninja into the dining room and tying him to a chair and Ise flicked the lights on, checking the rest of the apartment as Tim pulled the ninja’s hood off. The ninja’s eyes were calculating as he stared at Tim and Ise returned to Tim’s side, greeting, “Davis.”

The ninja, Davis, nodded in acknowledgement and stated, “Ise. We were wondering if you survived your resignation battle. I see you took a position working for my Master’s beloved.”

Ise nodded and asked, “Were you aware that Mr. Drake is married? I was under the impression that your Master’s feelings were reciprocated, but apparently not.”

Davis looked surprised by that information, answering, “Is that so? I knew that my Master’s beloved had another lover, but I was led to believe that it was an open relationship and that his beloved was simply playing hard to get.”

Tim looked between the two and cut in, “Wait, seriously? You guys thought I was interested in Ra’s?”

Both ninjas nodded and Tim stated firmly, “No. Hell no. I have absolutely no interest in him. The guy is a creep.”

Davis nodded and Tim mused for a moment, then looked at Davis and asked, “I don’t suppose you’re looking for a change in bosses?”

Davis tipped his head, musing, and answered, “Perhaps. I will admit, my Master has been rather… unhinged, as of late.”

Tim made a mental note, then stated, “If you come work for me and my husband, we offer health insurance, including dental and vision, hazard pay, and an opportunity for a civilian career as well as a career as a ninja.”

“And what will be required of me if I work for you?”

Tim grabbed another of the dining room chairs and sat down, explaining, “First and foremost, you’ll have to adopt a totally non-lethal fighting technique. We can provide you training on that front if necessary, but that is the number one requirement. You’ll be expected to assist us in our vigilante pursuits, including but not limited to surveillance, planting equipment, and intervening in crimes. Depending on any specific skills or qualifications you may have, you may be given other assignments as well.”

Davis nodded, looking thoughtful, and Ise chimed in, “It is an excellent career opportunity.”

Davis nodded again and Tim could tell that he was seriously considering it. Finally, Davis asked, “Where do I submit a resume?”

Tim cheered internally and grabbed a notepad and pen from the table, scribbling down his work contact information and stating, “Call this number between 9 AM and 5 PM tomorrow and my assistant will schedule an interview for you. I’ll look over your resume then.”

He untied Davis and handed him the paper, then stated, “If you know of any other ninjas who may be interested in a position with me, please, tell them about me.”

Davis nodded, then he climbed out the window and he was gone. Tim smiled to himself and pulled his phone out, sending a quick text to Tam to let her know the situation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim woke up to his phone ringing. Casting a quick glance over Jason’s shoulder at the clock, Tim groaned, then reached out to snag his phone and, upon seeing the caller ID, answered it and greeted, “Why are you calling me at 6 in the morning, Tam?”

Tam’s sharp voice immediately responded, “Funny story, Tim. See, I woke up this morning to go to the gym and I see a text from you. Well, imagine my surprise when I open it up and see that you’re asking me to  _ schedule an interview for a ninja _ . Now, I accept that weird follows you like stench follows a skunk, but what- and you’ll have to pardon my language here- THE EVERLIVING FUCK, TIM?”

Tam’s shout woke Jason and he groaned, rolling to lay on Tim and muttering, “I don’t know either, Tam.”

Tim snorted and answered, “Short answer? Fuck Ra’s al Ghul. Long answer? I’m stealing Ra’s’s ninjas because he’s a douche who doesn’t even offer dental insurance and I think I’d make a much better ninja boss.”

There was a long, judgemental silence from the other end of the line before Tam finally stated, “I’m scheduling you a doctor’s appointment. I think you may have hit your head one too many times and finally completely lost your marbles.”

Tim rolled his eyes, grumbling, “Why does everyone think I’m crazy?”

“I’ll type up a spreadsheet. Do you want it organized alphabetically, chronologically, or by insanity?”

Jason laughed and Tim snarked back, “Alphabetically, of course.”

Tam hummed thoughtfully, then sighed, “I’m setting up a second line for your ninja applicants to use so they’re not clogging up the W.E. system. You owe me for this.”

“I’ll order you a fruit basket. Email me what kind of fruits you like.”

Tam gave a noise of acknowledgement, then hung up. Tim set his phone back on the bedside table and Jason hummed sleepily, mumbling, “Lemme know when the interview is. I’ll make sure I’m free.”

Then he nuzzled Tim’s head and dropped back asleep. Tim sighed happily and settled in, drifting off as the sun started to peek through the curtains.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Tim got back to the office after his lunch break, Tam was waiting for him with a stapled stack of papers and a smug look. She handed him the stack and, without preamble, stated, “The spreadsheet you requested, Mr. Drake. Alphabetically organized, of course.”

Tim gave her a puzzled look, then looked down at it and let out a bark of laughter, drawing odd looks from the group of employees next to the copy machine, as he saw the title.

**Reasons Everyone Thinks Timothy Jackson Drake is Insane**

He leafed through the stack and nodded, still laughing under his breath as he replied, “Much appreciated, Tam.”

Tam looked like she was a split second from completely breaking down laughing and Tim retreated into his office, still laughing as he flipped through the list and highlighted the ones that made him laugh. By the time he reached the ‘M’ section, his stomach was starting to ache from laughing. A knock at his office door pulled him away from the list and he schooled his face into something resembling serious, then called, “Come in.”

The door opened and Tam entered, an exasperated look on her face as she stated, “You have an, ah,  _ interview _ tonight at 10:30. I told him to either wear normal clothes or use the window. I’m  _ still _ fielding questions about your last  _ interviewee _ . Make sure your husband gets the memo, too, if he’s planning to show up. Last thing we need is him come through dressed for your nighttime activities and give someone a heart attack.”

Over Tam’s shoulder, Tim could see one of the more gossipy employees, Sheila, give Tam a scandalized look and mentally facepalmed, wondering if he was going to see a resurgence of the “Tim Drake and his husband are sex freaks” rumors in the gossip magazines. Based on the smug look on Tam’s face, she knew exactly what she was doing as she added, voice just slightly louder than necessary, “Do you think you’ll need any  _ supplies _ for the  _ interview _ , Mr. Drake? For your, ah,  _ protection _ ?”

Sheila’s eyes widened and she immediately pulled out her phone, typing madly. Tim slowly set his head on the desk and closed his eyes, sighing, “Why do you hate me, Tam?”

Tam laughed and Tim heard the door close as Tam left the office. 


	4. Chapter 4

10:30 came quickly and Tim was soon opening his office window to allow Davis to slip in, dressed in his full ninja gear with a messenger bag over his shoulder, from which he produced a resume. Tim took it and gestured to the open chair, stating, “Take a seat. Jason will be here soon.”

He flipped through Davis’s resume, then glanced up to see Sheila creeping over to peer through the blinds on his office window. He set the resume down and walked over to the door, opening it and stepping out. Sheila froze and Tim raised an eyebrow, asking, “Did you need something, Sheila?”

Sheila flushed red and squeaked, “Oh, well, I, uh, I was just wondering who…”

“He’s interviewing for a position.”

Sheila cringed, scampering away, and Tim rolled his eyes, then closed his office door and the blinds on the window. He picked up the resume again and flipped through it, observing, “So, it says here that you were involved in building the technology to circumvent my last project involving Ra’s?”

Davis nodded, answering, “I assisted in writing the code to override the lock that prevented the devices from being taken off the League frequency.”

Jason slipped in through the window, dressed in his full Red Hood gear, and Ise followed a few moment later, nodding by way of greeting before moving to stand by the door. Jason settled into Tim’s desk chair, reaching out to snag Tim by the belt loops and pull him in, then stole the resume from Tim’s hands and looked through it as Tim and Davis discussed the specifics of the code. Jason hummed thoughtfully, then stated, “I think you seem like a good fit.”

Tim nodded, adding, “Congrats, you’re hired.”

Davis gave a small smile at that, then tilted his head as a pair of purple boots slid through the window, followed by the rest of one Stephanie Brown. She froze halfway through her sentence when she saw Davis and Ise, then lunged forward, clearly going for Davis. Tim vaulted his desk to intervene and tackled Stephanie to the floor, hissing, “Calm down, Steph! They work for me!”

Steph squirmed under Tim, rolling to pin him down, and pulled a penlight from her belt, shining it in his eyes and asking, “Who dosed you?”

Tim squirmed, half-shouting, “Fuck’s sake, Steph, I’m not drugged or concussed or whatever you’re thinking!”

“Bullshit. You’re clearly out of your damn mind if you’re trying to defend the Raisin’s ninjas.”

Tim managed to break Steph’s pin and rolled to pin her, answering, “I’m not crazy, Steph! I stole them from Raisin!”

Jason gave a snort of laughter and chimed in, “No, you’re definitely crazy, Baby Bird. But chill, Blondie. The ninjas are on our side.”

Steph managed to get free of Tim’s hold and slowly stood, giving Davis and Ise suspicious looks before asking, “Why do you have ninjas?”

“Cause he got all up in arms over the fact that Raisin doesn’t offer dental insurance.”

Steph turned to stare at Jason like Jason had just grown a second head, then turned that look on Tim and asked, “Are you fucking kidding me, Boyfriend? You’re hiring ninjas because the psychopathic immortal terrorist with an uncomfortable crush on you doesn’t offer dental?”

Tim shrugged half-heartedly and answered, “I mean, yeah? That and it just feels appropriately spiteful to steal his ninjas after all the shit he’s put me through. Plus insider knowledge.”

Steph continued to stare at him for several long seconds, the visible portion of her face clearly expressing her disbelief before she finally turned to Jason and half-hysterically shouted, “I can’t believe I used to think that  _ you  _ were the crazy one when this fucking guy is over here stealing ninjas from  _ the psychopathic immortal terrorist with an uncomfortable crush on him _ because said  _ psychopathic immortal terrorist with an uncomfortable crush on him _ doesn’t offer fucking  _ dental _ !”

Jason snorted and answered, “I may have had a brief dip in the fountain of crazy, but Baby Bird over here was born in it, raised in it, and has been swimming in it for the last 20-somethin’ years. Or are you forgetting the whole  _ everything _ about how he ended up with us in the first place.”

Steph stared at them for a long moment and finally announced, “I’m going to go spend my night with someone a little bit saner. Y’know, like  _ Harley fucking Quinn _ , you absolute nutcases.”

Jason gave her a mock salute and Steph threw her hands up in surrender, climbing back out the window. Davis looked between Tim and the window and Tim mused, “I should really call a family meeting to introduce you two to everyone.”

Jason snorted and answered, “Oh, you  _ absolutely _ should. And make sure there’s a security camera in the room. I want copies of it.”

“You’re going to be there, too.”

“I’m well aware, but I want to be able to get video footage of it.”

Tim rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone, sending out a text to the group chat. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next evening, Tim arrived at the family meeting ten minutes late with Starbucks, Jason, and two ninjas. Everyone stared at him in silence for several seconds before Duke finally asked, “Uh. Who’re they?”

Tim gave him a mock-offended look and answered, “I’m Tim. This is Jason. God, Duke, I know we missed family dinner last week, but I thought you’d at least remember our names.”

Duke gave him an unimpressed look and Bruce took several deep breaths before asking, “Tim. Jason. Why do you have two ninjas with you?”

Jason snickered and Tim looked Bruce dead in the eyes, deadpan replying, “Didn’t you hear, B? Jay and I agreed to a threesome with Talia tomorrow night. She sent some ninjas to make sure we don’t chicken out.”

The silence in the room was thick enough to be cut with a knife before Duke finally stated, “I think the most horrifying part of that sentence is that I honestly can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”

Jason broke down laughing at that, doubling over and clutching the back of a chair to keep from falling over. Tim grinned and answered, “I’m kidding, don’t worry. I actually stole them from Ra’s because he doesn’t offer dental and I’m petty.”

Duke nodded, replying, “Yeah, sounds about right.”

Dick turned to stare at Duke and Tim commented, “You seem to be taking this surprisingly well, Duke.”

“Look, man, you people are fuckin’ crazy. Between the multiple zombies, the guy who dresses like a bat and punches criminals, and  _ Damian _ , you stealing ninjas from the creepy old dude with the hots for you is honestly not that weird.”

Tim laughed at that, stating, “You have a pretty solid point there, Duke.”

Bruce took several more deep breaths, finally questioning, “What do you mean, you stole them from Ra’s?”

Tim took a sip of his latte and answered, “I mean, I basically put out an ad to all of Ra’s ninjas saying that I was hiring and that I offered dental. Ise and Davis showed up to interview and were hired. You used to run a company, B, surely you know what job poaching is.”

Bruce stared at Tim and Tim shrugged, introducing, “Everyone, this is Ise and Davis. They work for me and Jason. Please don’t attack them.”

Damian narrowed his eyes at Tim, then asked, “Do you intend to continue hiring ninjas, Drake?”

Tim shrugged, answering, “I mean, if more apply, yeah. I’m hoping we’ll be able to hire enough to cripple the League for a bit.”

Damian hummed thoughtfully, musing, “I shall reach out to some within the League who I know to disagree with Grandfather’s methods. Perhaps they would consider joining your cause.”

“I- Sounds good, Damian.”

Dick rounded his incredulous stare on Damian and asked, “Little D! Why are you encouraging him?!?”

Damian rolled his eyes, shooting back, “Are you not the one who tells me to bond with Drake?”

“I meant over video games or art or making Bruce’s eye twitch! Not over stealing ninjas!”

Babs snickered from her spot beside Dick and chimed in, “Well, maybe you should’ve been more specific next time, Dick.”

Cass nodded and Bruce sighed heavily, setting his head in his hands and muttering something that sounded suspiciously like “Why did I ever have kids?” before asking, “What, exactly, are you planning on doing with them, Tim?”

“Well, Jason and Ise have been planning take-downs for several smaller League-affiliated groups and Davis and I have begun designing a virus that will break into Ra’s’s bank accounts and disperse his finances to those more deserving of the money. If we’re able to hire more ninjas, we’re planning to go after some more core groups within the League. Ise and Davis have also been assisting on patrols, intervening in crimes and assisting us with surveillance and the planting of equipment.”

Bruce tipped his head, thinking, and finally stated, “I expect to be updated when and if you should hire more ninjas, as well as on your progress in dismantling the League and affiliated groups.”

Dick looked at Bruce and asked, “Seriously? You too, B?”

“I trust that Tim and Jason know what they are doing.”

Jason snorted and muttered, “You just don’t want to deal with our bullshit and we all know it, Old Man.”

Bruce looked slightly pained, but admitted, “That too.”

Dick looked imploringly at Alfred, the staunch pillar of sanity in the family, and Alfred stated, “I suppose I shall have to begin preparing larger meals to accommodate our guests, then.”

Dick slowly set his head on the table, looking defeated, and Tim barely held back giggles, answering, “That would be awesome, Alfred.”

Dick looked to the remaining person at the table who hadn’t spoken up yet. Kate stared back, face impassive, and stated, “I’m not getting involved.”

Tim broke at that, his laughter echoing in the Cave, and Dick sighed, “I give up.”

Babs patted his shoulder and stated, “You were trying to go against the only person in the world who can out-stubborn Bruce. It was a good effort, but a futile battle. Besides, even if B or someone had tried to stop him, it wouldn’t have worked.”

Tim grinned. The meeting had gone better than he had expected and he had the family's approval to hire more ninjas. 

Hell yeah.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: I fixed a couple of typos and minor continuity errors.

Tim was sitting at his desk in the office, looking over the reports Ise and Davis had given him about the activity they had witnessed, when the door opened and a copy of the Gotham Gossip was thrown on his desk. Tim closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and set down his reports before finally picking up the gossip rag, already knowing he was going to hate it. The headline, in a jarring red, made him want to slam his head down on the desk.

**_GOTHAM SWEETHEART AND HUSBAND LOOKING FOR A THIRD PARTNER?!?_ **

Tam snickered and Tim raised an eyebrow at the photo that accompanied the headline. It was of Tim and Jason at the grocery store with Roy, the angle of the shot making it look like Jason was leaning in to kiss Roy, when he had, in fact, been standing a few feet away from Roy and leaning down to grab something from the shelf. Tim rolled his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, and sighed, “Have I mentioned recently how much I hate paparazzi? Roy’s wife and child were an aisle over, for fuck’s sake.”

Tam was grinning when Tim looked up and he slowly set his head on the desk, sighing, “I need to make a statement, don’t I?”

“Oh yeah. This one isn’t even the worst of them.”

Tim closed his eyes and heard Tam shuffling papers. Then she read aloud, “Threesomes, Bondage, and Secret Sex Tapes: Behind Timothy Drake’s Closed Doors.”

Tim felt a headache building behind his eyes and Tam continued, “A Drake’s Hoard: Inside Tim Drake’s Secret Harem.”

Before she could continue, Tim asked, “You’re having way too much fun with this, aren’t you?”

He didn’t need to look up to know that she was grinning as she answered cheerily, “Oh, you have _no idea_ , Tim. Honestly, every time these rumors come back around, it’s like Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one.”

“I’m convinced you hate me.”

Tam patted his head in a distinctly condescending manner, then walked out, calling, “I expect your official statement before your husband arrives for lunch, Mr. Drake. And don’t forget, you have a gala to attend tomorrow night.”

Tim sighed, slinking down in his chair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim had his official statement on Tam’s desk an hour later. Tam read over it, raising an eyebrow, and mused, “Looking for a new bodyguard, huh? Pretty good cover story, gotta say.”

Tim started to answer, but a ringing coming from inside Tam’s desk drawer interrupted him. Tam opened the drawer, pulling out a bright red burner phone, and answered it, making eye contact with Tim. Her stare said ‘I’ll kill you and they’ll never find the body’ even as she greeted, “You’ve reached Wayne Enterprises, this Tam speaking. How may I help you?”

There was a beat of silence, then a voice answered, “I was informed that Timothy Drake is currently hiring?”

“That’s correct. Would you like me to schedule you an interview?”

Tim made a mental note to give Tam a raise (and bring her some of Alfred or Jason’s cookies) as she efficiently set up the interview, explaining the process and adding it to Tim’s schedule between rude hand gestures. Tim gave her a sheepish smile and Tam rolled her eyes as she ended the call, then stated, “You have another appointment at 10:30. This one said she was referred to you by an Ibn al Xu’ffasch?”

Tim hummed, stating, “Damian mentioned he was planning to reach out to a few of his old contacts. What was her name?”

“Bianca Lacerda.”

Tim pulled out his phone and sent a text to Jason, then asked, “Want me to bring you something from the coffee shop?”

Tam looked at him with an unreadable expression, then answered, “You know my drink order already.”

“One large triple-shot caramel latte with extra whipped cream. Anything to eat?”

Tam’s eyes narrowed and she muttered, “What are you up to, Drake?”

Tim raised an eyebrow as she studied him and she finally nodded, stating, “Two blueberry muffins, if they have them. Or one of those lemon bar cake thingys if they don’t.”

Tim nodded and made his way down to the coffee shop in the lobby. He couldn’t help but grin at Damian having actually referred a ninja to him and, as he stood in line, he pulled out his phone, texting Damian to let him know about the interview. Damian replied several minutes later with a request to attend the interview, which Tim approved before putting his phone away and placing his and Tam’s orders. The college kid at the register typed it in and Tim, being in a good mood, dropped a couple of twenty dollar bills into the tip jar before collecting the drinks, muffins, and lemon cake. He headed back up to the office, delivering Tam’s coffee, muffins, and lemon cake to her, and then returned to his office, texting Jason to update him about Damian’s planned presence at the interview. Then he returned to his work with a renewed vigor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim was pulled out of his work by Jason dropping down into the chair across his desk, a divine-smelling bag in hand. Tim looked up, his stomach giving its best whale impression, and Jason smirked, stating, “Tam said you were being weird.”

“Okay, and? If I had a dollar for every time she said I was weird, I could add another zero to the end of my net worth.”

“She said you were suspiciously cheerful, considering the tabloids are currently convinced that you and I are sex freaks and we have that fuckin’ gala tomorrow night.”

Tim made a face at the reminder and took the to-go container Jason handed him, answering, “I’m just glad that Damian and I have moved past our issues enough for him to actually refer a ninja to me. Plus, don’t you ever tell Tam I said this, but I actually find the rumors a little funny.”

Jason raised an eyebrow and Tim opened the container, shoving a forkful of noodles into his mouth. Finally, Jason grinned and asked, “Want me to go out to dinner with Roy before the interview tonight, fuel some rumors?”

“Oh, absolutely.”


	6. Chapter 6

Jason was dressed in a sleek black suit when Tim arrived home, glaring in the mirror at one stubborn curl that wouldn’t lay flat. Tim smirked and stepped forward, snagging the comb from Jason’s hand and hopping up on the counter, steering Jason forward so Tim could fix his hair. Tim gently tamed the errant curl, taking the opportunity to press a kiss to Jason’s forehead, then asked, “So, what do you want me to tell the press if they ask?”

Jason tugged Tim in for a gentle kiss, then answered, “I’m helping Roy plan out his and Kory’s anniversary party.”

Tim grinned, then hopped off the sink and asked, “What restaurant are you headed to?”

“We’re going to Le Miroir Moderne. Apparently they’re the next stop on the list of restaurants Ollie has gotten kicked out of, so Roy wants to go.”

Tim laughed, shaking his head, and leaned in to kiss Jason again, replying, “Make sure you’re done in time for the interview.”

Jason nibbled at Tim’s lower lip and Tim let out a pleased noise, wrapping his arms around Jason’s neck. Then the apartment door opened and Roy called, “Yo, Jaybird, I’m borrowing a pair of socks!”  
  


Jason pulled away from Tim, sighing, and called back, “Stop stealing my damn socks, Harper!”

Tim laughed and gently fixed Jason’s tie, then shooed Jason out into the living room. Roy emerged from the bedroom with a pair of black socks in hand, greeting, “Hey, Tim. You okay with me taking your man out to dinner?”

He wiggled his eyebrows exaggeratedly and Tim smirked, answering, “I’m not worried as long as you get him home by 10. You’re not his type.”

Roy clutched his chest, a mock-offended look on his face, and joked, “What, a redhead?”

“Nah, not enough of a little stalker genius.”

Roy gasped, placing a hand over his eyes like a Southern lass with the vapors at Jason’s words, and gasped, “Lo, I am slain! How could you do this to me, dearest Jason? I thought that you loved me!”

Jason swatted at Roy, laughing, and Tim grinned, then shooed the pair out of the apartment and retrieved the leftover lasagna from the fridge, tossing it in the microwave. Once it was heated, he made himself comfortable on the couch, watching reruns and relaxing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jason arrived home at 9:45 and flopped down on top of Tim, grumbling, “You coulda warned me that their food portions were Damian-sized.”

Tim laughed as Jason nuzzled the back of his neck, then answered, “It’s more fun if I don’t. Did you and Roy get enough to eat or do you want some leftovers?”

Jason nipped the back of Tim’s neck playfully, then replied, “We went out for chilidogs afterwards. Made sure the paps got lots and lots of photos of us laughing and having a good time. It’ll be all over the gossip rags tomorrow.”

Tim smiled and Jason rolled off of him, asking, “Should I bother changing into my Red Hood gear?”

“Only if you want to.”

Jason stretched, sighing, “Nah. Shall we head to the office?”

Tim groaned and rolled off the couch, hitting the floor with a thunk. Jason raised an eyebrow at him and held out a hand to help Tim up. Tim took it and Jason hauled him to his feet, pressing a kiss to Tim’s forehead and murmuring, “Love you, Baby Bird.”

Tim gently tugged Jason’s tie to pull him into a kiss, answering, “Love you, too, Jay. Let me grab my shoes, then we’ll head to the office. Ise and Davis will cover our patrols for tonight.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Damian was sitting in Tim’s desk chair when they reached the office, flipping through a stack of papers with an amused smirk on his face. He glanced up as Jason closed the door, then stated, “An interesting list Fox has put together. She seems to have missed a few points, however, it is extensive and well-organized.”

Tim rolled his eyes, already knowing what list Damian was talking about, but Jason asked, “List? What list?”

“A list of reasons that most assume Drake to be mentally unstable.”  
  


Jason doubled over, cackling like a maniac, and wheezed, “She seriously did it? Fuck, Baby Bird, I thought she was kidding.”

Tim rolled his eyes again, then leaned on his desk and checked his watch, answering, “It’s Tam, Jay. Why on Earth would you think she was kidding about this?”

He shooed Damian out of his chair, earning some grumbles, and plopped down into it just as the window slid open to admit an older woman with gray-streaked hair. She gave them a smile as she bowed respectfully and Tim gestured to the seat across from him, asking, “Ms. Lacerda, I presume?”

The woman nodded, answering, “You can call me Bianca.”

“Of course, Bianca. Your resume, please?”

Bianca handed over a bright blue portfolio folder and Tim began skimming through her resume, Jason reading over his shoulder, as she and Damian chatted about art. Her resume was impressive and one detail caught Tim’s, prompting him to ask, “You taught Damian to draw?”

Bianca smiled warmly at that, reminding Tim of one of his favorite nannies when he was a kid, and answered, “Oh, yes. Damian had quite the wealth of natural talent as well. It was such a shame when his mother found out and forbade me from seeing him.”

Damian frowned at the reminder and Jason tipped his head, studying Bianca for several long moments before stating, “I remember you. Well. Kinda. You used to sing to me while I was still catatonic. I remember your voice. And you used to sneak me extra food after my swim in Hell’s Kool-Aid. You were basically the only person who actually treated me like a human instead of a tool.”

Bianca looked surprised and brushed her hair behind her ear, replying firmly, “It was only right. When I saw that they were only giving you food once a day, I simply couldn’t stand for it. Every time I looked at you, all I could think of was how miserable and hungry you must’ve been.”

Tim couldn’t help the smile that pulled at his lips, then stated, “You’re hired. Welcome to the team, Bianca.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim was laying facedown on the bed, half asleep, when Jason stated, “Y’know, I thought this was a terrible idea at first, but I’m really glad you decided to start hiring ninjas.”

Tim’s voice was muffled by having his face half-squished against the mattress, but the playful pinch to the butt he received told him that Jason had, in fact, heard his mumble of, “Keep that in mind next time I have an idea.”


	7. Chapter 7

“Y’know, Baby Bird, we should probably make sure that your, uh,  _ bodyguards _ have an appropriate place to live. Cause, like, Davis was talking about his apartment yesterday and I’m fairly certain he’s staying in the apartment building where I was staying when we met.”

Tim’s nose wrinkled at the mention of Jason’s old apartment building and he leaned into Jason’s side as they made their way towards the snack- sorry,  _ hors d'oeuvres _ \- table, stating, “Ew. I’ll see about getting them a… place… Jason, I just had a  _ terrible  _ idea.”

Jason looked down at Tim, who was staring out the window in the direction of Drake Manor, and asked, “Why are you excited about that?”

“I’m gonna buy back Drake Manor. It’s been sitting empty since my dad sold it and it would piss my mother off to no end in the afterlife if I turned it into a nin- uh, bodyguard house. She  _ hated _ other people in the house, even staff. She used to make me follow the housekeeper around to make sure she wasn’t doing anything she hadn’t been explicitly ordered to do. Having a bunch of unsupervised bodyguards wandering around and living there would drive her up the walls.”

Jason snorted as they reached the food table and picked up a plate, loading it with tiny cheese cubes and cocktail shrimp and other little snacks as he answered, “You want to turn your old house into a bodyguard frat house?”

“Think about it. We can buy it back for pennies on the dollar, it’s big enough to install a gym and house tons of people if we keep hiring, plus it would piss my mother off if she could see it.”

“Why do people always assume that I’m the spiteful one, again?”

Tim grinned and opened his mouth to give a snarky reply, but Jason forestalled the taunt by shoving a miniature strawberry tart into his mouth, ordering, “Just hush and eat, Baby Bird. You’re too skinny.”

Tim chewed and swallowed, then stated, “You should see if you can weasel the recipe for those out of Alfred. Those are really good.”

Jason leaned down to press a kiss to the top of Tim’s head, then rolled his eyes as the unpleasantly familiar voice of Vicki Vale asked, “Mr. Drake, Mr. Todd, may I get a statement regarding the state of your relationship?”

Tim rolled his eyes and Jason turned to look at Vicki, plastering on his most sickeningly sweet smile and answered, “Of course, Ms. Vale. Tim and I are married.”

Vicki frowned and asked, “And regarding your supposed affair with Oliver Queen’s former ward?”

“Nothing more than a misunderstanding by overzealous gossip rags.You know how it is, I’m sure.”

Vicki’s eyes narrowed at Jason’s subtle dig and she pressed, “Really? Your, ah,  _ outing _ with Mr. Harper last night seemed quite date-like.”

Tim hid a laugh behind a cough and Jason rolled his eyes, dropping the polite society mask and answering, “Fuck’s sake, Vale, the dude’s got a wife and kid. He’s planning an anniversary party and wanted my opinion on the restaurant, since he’s got shit taste in food and I know what Kori likes. Nothing more.”

Vicki looked surprised, prodding, “And after? There are photos of you two being rather, ah,  _ close _ with one another?”

“You mean hugging? Are you accusing me of an affair because I hugged my friend? Because that is some next level bullshit.”

Vicki flushed and started to protest, clearly trying to head off one of the rants that Jason had become somewhat known for, but Jason ignored her as he and Tim made their way over to a secluded corner. Tim leaned against Jason, stealing a cheese cube from his plate, and stated lightly, “That was a little mean, Jay.”

“You thought it was hilarious and you know it, Baby Bird.”

“Did I say I didn’t?”

Jason grinned down at Tim and kissed the top of his head, then looked out over the gala, sighing, “When can we leave, again?”

Tim stole another cheese cube from Jason’s plate, then answered, “Midnight.”

“What time is it?”

“Just past ten.”

Jason groaned and Tim elbowed him gently as one of the W.E. investors approached, striking up a conversation about something that Jason didn’t care to listen to. He turned to look out the window, where he could just see the top of Drake Manor through the trees, and smirked to himself at the thought of pissing off the ghost of Janet Drake. He had never met her, but he had heard about what she and Jack had done to Tim, which was reason enough for him to dislike her. So he certainly wasn’t going to say no to doing something that would fill her with apoplectic rage. He turned back to Tim as the investor wandered off, leaning down to kiss Tim before sighing, “Contact the realtor tomorrow. Think the new bodyguard frat house will need much fixing up?”

A chaotically delighted grin, the same one Tim gave right before orchestrating a particularly badass prank, spread across Tim’s face and he answered, “More than likely not. Probably just some cleaning, maybe replace some wallpaper or repaint the walls.”

Jason couldn’t help but lean down again to kiss Tim, muttering, “Damn, I love you, Baby Bird.”

He started to pull back, but Tim caught his tie and tugged him back down. Jason hummed happily and adjusted the angle slightly. His hand came up to cup the back of Tim’s head and he was about to thread his fingers through Tim’s hair when a throat cleared from in front of them. Jason just barely suppressed a jump and reluctantly pulled away, scowling at Duke, who just rolled his eyes and joked, “Go find a coat closet, you two. Or do you want the gossip rags to start spreading that you’re exhibitionists alongside the shit about you having an affair or a threesome or whatever?”

Jason snorted a laugh and stepped back from Tim, straightening his tie while Tim fixed his mussed hair. Tim was an adorably bright pink and Jason replied, “You raise a good point, Narrows. Any chance of you pointin’ us to the nearest coat closet?”

The elbow Tim drove into his side nearly caused him to miss Duke’s laughter, along with the reply, “Nope. B wants to see you.”

Jason made a face, but allowed Tim to drag him over to where Bruce was talking with Lex Luthor and looking like he’d rather be literally anywhere else. As they approached, Bruce stated, “Really, Lex, I’m not the person to talk to about business. It all goes over my head, I’m afraid. Tim, though, he’s the one to talk to. There’s a reason I made him CEO, after all.”

Jason could practically feel the disgust radiating off of Tim as they reached the pair and, distaste just audible under the surface, Tim asked, “Duke said you wanted to see us, B?”

Bruce spun, champagne nearly sloshing out of his glass, and cheerily greeted, “Tim, Jason! Lex here was just telling me about his new… What was it again, Lex? Natural networth?”

Jason could barely hold back his smirk at the disgusted look on Lex’s face as Lex gritted out, “Neural network, Brucie. It’s really quite interesting. It could be used to help uncover the true identities of superheroes so that we can hold them accountable for-”

“Right, right, that was it. Anyway, Tim, Lex was telling me about his... whatever it was, and it sounded like something you’d be interested in, since you’re such a big fan of tech and the like.”

Lex’s eye twitched slightly and Tim gave his polite society smile, answering, “A neural network does sound rather interesting, but I’m afraid that I just don’t have time to discuss it. I have to give a speech in just a few minutes and I seem to have forgotten my notecards in the car.”

Lex looked like he was in pain as Tim led Jason away, leaving Lex to listen to Brucie prattle inanely.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive! Kinda. Sorry for dropping off the map, online college hit me like a steel bat to the face and my writing goblin went on strike. I won't be updating as frequently as I used to, but I'll try to keep posting. Thank you all for being so patient with me.
> 
> My Tumblr is The-Devil-In-The-Details-666 if anyone wants to come say hello! I love hearing from y'all.

The house conversion went surprisingly quickly and, just over a month after the idea was spawned, Tim and Jason were standing outside the former Drake Manor with their ninjas. Alongside Ise, Davis, and Bianca, there were two more ninja who had joined them, Marco and Marta Arrada-Cabral. Tim was practically vibrating with excitement and Jason pressed a kiss to his head, then suggested, “Wanna explain what’s going on, Baby Bird?”

Tim grinned like a madman and, turning to the assembled ninjas, stated, “Jason and I decided that, as your employers, we should make sure you all have somewhere appropriate to stay.”

He went on to give them a tour of the Manor, showing them the gym that had taken the place of the ballroom, the bedrooms, and the fully stocked kitchen. Bianca immediately fell in love with the kitchen and Marco and Marta were both _very_ impressed with the gym, while Ise quickly vanished to explore the gardens and Davis acquainted himself with the computer room they had set up. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three days after Tim and Jason had finished the ninja house, Tim woke up to someone coming in through their apartment’s living room window at two in the morning. Jason groaned beside him when Tim tried to get up and clung to Tim like a limpet, but Tim managed to squirm his way out of the bed and threw on a pair of sweatpants and one of Jason’s hoodies before ambling out into the living room, one hand on the knife he had grabbed off the bedside table. He was expecting one of the other Bats, but instead found himself staring at none other than Raisin Goose in all his raisiny flesh, along with a group of his six most elite ninjas. Tim blinked sleepily, flipping on the lights, then sighed and asked, “What do you want, Raisin?”

Ra’s’s eye twitched satisfyingly, but he stopped himself from grimacing, instead putting on a smile that was roughly equivalent to seaweed brushing Tim’s foot while he was swimming and purring, “Hello, Beloved.”

Tim rolled his eyes and answered, “Fuck off, Raisin.”

Ra’s took a step forward and Tim scowled as Ra’s continued, “I have noticed that several of my underlings have… _defected_ to your side. While I can of course understand the impulse…”

Tim tuned him out, instead turning to where the six ninja were lurking in the shadows and asking incredulously, “Seriously? _Underlings_? You guys deserve so much better than to work for a creepy old lech who unironically calls his employees his _underlings_.”

Ra’s fell silent at that, then stated haughtily, “I doubt even you, with all your charms, will be able to sway them to your side, Beloved.”

Tim rolled his eyes and looked back at the group of ninjas, continuing, “Not to mention, we offer excellent health benefits, including dental. We’ll also assist in finding you a career outside of ninja-ing, if you so desire, and will cover all housing costs.”

Ra’s snapped something in the background, but Tim pointedly ignored him, grinning internally at the intrigued looks he was getting from two of the six ninjas. One of them stepped forward slightly, hovering on the edge of the shadows, and, after a hesitant look at Ra’s, asked, “Will we be required to submit to human experimentation?”

The implication in the question made Tim turn a fierce glare on Ra’s and he answered, “Absolutely not. We would never ask that of anyone.”

The ninja hummed thoughtfully and looked over at the other ninja who looked intrigued. The other ninja stepped forward and queried, “Will we be allowed to engage in romantic relationships with those outside of your employment?”

Tim blinked, then answered, “Of course. It’s hardly our place to tell you who you can or can’t love.”

The two ninjas traded a glance, then pulled off their masks and hoods. Tim grinned at the gobsmacked look on Ra’s’s face and grabbed the small case of business cards from the coffee table, opening it and handing them out to the two ninjas who had expressed an interest in joining his cause. Ra’s’s eye twitched and he spun on his heel, snapping at the ninjas to follow him as he stormed out the door. Three of the ninjas went quickly and the two who had expressed an interest followed not far behind, leaving only one ninja behind. The ninja shifted from foot to foot, then quietly asked, “Can I get one of those business cards?”

Tim handed a few over, then stated, “If you know of anyone else who would be willing to join our cause, feel free to give them a card.”

The ninja nodded, then headed out. Tim locked the window and door, then headed back to bed, feeling _very_ pleased with himself and how the interaction had turned out. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day after Ra’s came to bug them, there was an Arkham breakout, because of course there was. Tim and Jason were out as Red Robin and Red Hood when their comms crackled and Oracle’s voice came through, stating, “Reds, we’ve got an all hands on deck situation. Arkham breakout. You’re needed at the Gotham Museum of History. Riddler’s got the curator held hostage. Bats, Wing, and Robin are going after the Croc, Black Bat and Spoiler are dealing with Ivy, and Batwoman and the Signal are hunting down Freeze. Your ninjas volunteered to go after Crane.”

Tim gave an affirmative and looked over at Jason, who asked, “Shall we, Baby Bird?”

Tim grinned and shot out his grapple line, swinging out between buildings. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They reached the museum quickly and Jason, being slightly less subtle than a hand grenade, smashed through the glass roof panel, descending into the museum like an angel from Hell. Tim followed, landing lightly, and Jason stalked towards the Riddler, who had a gun to the curator’s head, as Tim moved to figure out the riddle to disable the bomb strapped to one of the museum’s support pillars. He kept one ear out, listening to Jason banter with Nygma, but kept most of his attention on the bomb, working through it in his head. He distantly heard Nygma rambling about how glad he was that his favorite Bats had come to apprehend him, which then turned into him rambling about how much he absolutely _detested_ the new Robin and why couldn’t the little bird at least _attempt_ his riddles, honestly, even _Batman_ humored him before dragging him off to Arkham. Tim was so caught up in the bomb, however, that he didn’t even notice the henchman sneaking up behind him until he had finished inputting the riddle’s answer, earning a beep as the bomb deactivated, and straightened up only for a hand with a sweet-smelling cloth to clamp over his nose and mouth. Tim struggled, but it wasn’t long before his eyes rolled back and everything went black.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim woke up strapped to a chair, which was pretty common and not particularly worrying. What was concerning, however, was the fact that his cowl had been removed. A henchman, who honestly looked like he was more of a hench- _kid_ , considering the fact that the dude couldn’t have been older than 19, was sitting on the table in front of him, looking distinctly panicked. His hand was bandaged, no doubt burned from the electrical shock that removing Tim’s cowl would have given at being removed, and Tim blinked at him, trying to ignore the lingering effects of the chloroform as he asked, “What’s your deal?”

The hench-kid blinked rapidly, looking like he was fighting tears, and babbled, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t- I didn’t mean to take your cowl off, I was just trying to make sure you weren’t hurt, I promise I won’t tell anyone, please don’t let Red Hood kill me.”

Tim blinked in surprise, then, unable to help himself and knowing all too well that he sounded like Bruce, he asked, “How _old_ are you?”

The kid looked startled, but answered, “I turned 18 yesterday.”

Tim nodded, replying, “Happy birthday, then. How long have you been working for Riddler?”

“Since I was 12. He’s the only villain who consistently pays his henchmen and I need the money. And it’s not like there’s anywhere willing to hire a guy who’s got a juvie record longer than his arm.”

Tim mused, turning things over in his mind, then asked, “If you’re working for Riddler, you must be pretty smart. Nygma can’t stand dumb people. Have you considered applying for an internship with Wayne Industries?”

The kid squirmed, then answered, “I’ve thought about it, but… I don’t have a high-school diploma. Dropped out when I was 16 to work so I could pay for my sister’s meds.”

Tim considered that, then offered, “Well, Red Hood and I are currently hiring some ninjas. I know you’re not a ninja, but if you’re interested in getting out of the henchman field, you can work for us as a bodyguard. We can pay for your sister’s medical expenses, as well as your own, and we’ll also pay for you to get your G.E.D., if that’s something you’re interested in.”

The kid blinked, looking stunned, and, after a moment, grabbed a knife from his boot and made quick work of cutting the ropes off of Tim’s wrists before putting the knife on the table and answering, “I’m in.”

Tim grinned and pulled a business card from one of the pouches on his belts, handing it over and explaining, “Call that number between 10 AM and 6 PM tomorrow and set up an appointment for an interview. What’s your name?”

“Derrick. Derrick Flowers.”

Tim made a mental note of the name, then replied, “It’s good to meet you, Derrick.”

Then he pulled his cowl up and grappled away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three weeks later, Tim and Jason had five new ninjas and a former henchman, as well as several _very_ angry voicemails from Ra’s. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to Always1, who, way back in Chapter 2, suggested Tim and Jason hire some of Gotham's hench-people. That idea has been bouncing around in what passes for a brain since and the writing goblin has finally decided to write it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, folks! The last official chapter of Assassin Appropriation! I may end up writing more little side stories to go with it, though, which will be in the new series 'Ninja Nonsense'. Thank you all for the support this story has gotten, I've had waaaaay too much fun writing it. If you guys have any suggestions for side stories involving Tim's ninja army or any suggestions for what Tim's ninja army should be named, let me know in the comments. 
> 
> My Tumblr is The-Devil-In-The-Details-666 if anyone wants to come say hello! I love hearing from y'all.

It was understandably rare for Kon and Bart to come to Gotham, given Bruce’s pretty strict ‘No Metas’ rule, but there were a few occasions that Tim managed to bribe, blackmail, or otherwise bully Bruce into allowing them, provided they came as civilians. One of those occasions was the annual Wayne Industries Starlight Ball. Bruce, in a desperate attempt to stop his children from being the phenomenal shit-stirrers that they excelled at being, had started the ‘tradition’ when Dick was still in scaly panties and had complained mightily about having to attend the Ball instead of being able to spend time with the newly-formed Teen Titans, even threatening to just skip town and go hide at the Tower. And so, Bruce, who honestly thought Dick made some damn good points but was also aware that Alfred would have his head if Dick vanished, bribed Dick with the promise that he could invite his Titan friends to the Ball. Dick had, of course, understood that to mean every Starlight Ball from there on out and it all spiraled from there. Bruce, to his credit, had just given up and accepted the fact that the Starlight Ball was his punishment for the rest of the parties, galas, and balls that his children were forced to attend. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ballroom at Wayne Manor was beautifully decorated, the ceiling and walls layered with dark silk and small twinkling lights that made the whole room look like a starry sky. Kon and Bart had been quite impressed by the decor the first time they had attended, back when Tim was still Robin, and even now, after several years of seeing the decorations, they continued to be impressed and astounded. They had arrived in Gotham a few hours before the party started and more or less kidnapped Tim from his apartment with barely even a hello, dragging him out to Ruby’s Diner to get pancakes. Jason, the traitor, had just laughed at him as Kon slung Tim over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, then fist-bumped Kon and told them to get Tim back by 5. So here Tim was, squished between Kon and the wall in a booth in Ruby’s Diner with Bart across from them. They ordered their food and Bart leaned across the table eagerly, asking, “So, Tim, have you seen the rumors?”

Tim blinked, then replied, “You’ll have to narrow that down, Bart.”

Kon rolled his eyes, elbowing Tim, and answered, “The rumors about you and Jason adopting a kid.”

Tim blinked, then answered, “What? No? Wait, is this someone misunderstanding our relationship to Damian again?”

Conner laughed and Bart pulled up an article on his phone, sliding it over to Tim and chirping, “Nope! Someone got photos of Jason helping some dude in his teens study at the library and tweeted them out, which led to people responding with photos of you grocery shopping with the same guy. Most people think that you’re pulling a Bruce. A few people think you’re sleeping with the kid, but they’ve been mostly shut down.”

Tim picked up the phone to look at the pictures, then sighed and dropped his head onto the table, groaning, “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

Kon elbowed him gently and asked, “What?”

Tim slid the phone back to Bart and sighed, “That’s Derrick. He used to work for Riddler, but we hired him as a bodyguard to get him out of it. He, uh, _knows_ about our nighttime activity.”

Bart whistled and Kon laughed, teasing, “Bet your old man wasn’t too happy about that.”

Tim groaned again and swatted Kon, then sighed in relief as the waitress brought out several large trays of pancakes. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The pancakes were soon devoured, the bill paid, and the trio headed back to Tim’s apartment to get ready for the Starlight Ball. Jason met them at the door, pressing a kiss to Tim’s forehead before promptly dragging him into the bathroom to shower, flipping off Roy where he was lounging on the couch. Tim informed Jason of the rumors about them pulling a Bruce, making Jason laugh as he washed Tim’s hair, and they were soon dressed and (mostly) put together. Once all four were ready, they headed to the Manor. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they reached the Manor’s ballroom, Tim glanced around, immediately heading for the snack table tucked against one wall while Bart wandered off to go say hi to Wally and Kon got sucked into an argument with Roy and Jason. Tim picked up a small plate and began loading it with canapes, then glanced up at where he knew Ise was hidden, giving a small nod. There was a beat of silence, then the silk drapes twitched ever so slightly and Ise’s eyes appeared, visible only because Tim knew where to look. She blinked three times, their signal for ‘All clear’, and Tim nodded again, then made his way back over to where Jason and Kon had teamed up against Roy. Tim rolled his eyes as he slid into the middle of the argument and neatly silenced it by shoving a cream cheese and salmon cracker into Jason’s mouth, scolding, “Behave yourselves. This is a high end event, after all.”

Jason made a face at Tim and Tim gave him an unimpressed look, then tucked himself under Jason’s arm and put on a polite face as Mrs. Dunbrow tottered up. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bart, Kon, and Tim ended up by the snack table about an hour later, Bart and Kon loading their plates with tiny fruit tarts and crackers with fancy cheese as Tim discreetly made eye contact with Ise, who gave Kon and Bart an amused look for a split second before the sound of shattering glass drew all of their attention. Then the deeply unpleasant sound of Ozwald Cobblepot’s squawking laughter reached Tim and Cobblepot strutted through the crowd, half-shouting, “Ah, Brucie, such a lovely party! What a shame my invite must have gotten lost in the mail!”

He reached where Tim, Kon, and Bart were standing and leaned on his umbrella, greeting mockingly, “Well, well, well, if it isn’t Mr. Drake-Wayne! Where’s your old man?”

Kon gave a low growl that prompted Tim to lightly kick him in the ankle and Bart was glancing between Tim and Cobblepot rapidly, almost vibrating. Tim internally rolled his eyes, then stepped forward and started, “Mr. Cobblepot. I’m afraid that I don’t know where Bruce is, but I’m-”

A gout of flame from the umbrella cut him off and Cobblepot tutted, stating, “Wrong answer, boy.”

Kon started forward, but Tim stopped him, coldly answering, “Well, I’m afraid it’s the only answer you’ll be getting, Mr. Cobblepot.”

Cobblepot sneered and lifted his umbrella again, but, before he could do anything, Ise leapt out from the shadows and tackled him to the floor, pulling one of her knives and pressing it to Cobblepot’s throat as she stated, “Do not threaten Mr. Drake.”

Some of Cobblepot’s henchmen rushed forward and Kon started forward to apprehend them, but was beaten by a small army of masked ninjas (and one former henchman) popping out of the decorative silks and descending on the henchmen. It was over nearly as quickly as it started and, as soon as the henchmen were down and bound, Tim’s small army disappeared back into the decorative silks. Ise herself had vanished after binding Cobblepot and breaking his umbrella in half and the whole ballroom fell into stunned silence for several long moments before the panicking started. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four hours later, GCPD had gone over every inch of the ballroom and Manor searching for ninjas and finally given up, allowing everyone to go home. As soon as they were released, Kon dragged Tim to one side and hissed, “What the Hell, Tim? What were Raisin’s ninjas doing here?”

Tim rolled his eyes and answered, “They’re not Raisin’s ninjas anymore. I hired them.”

There was a beat of silence, then Bart and Kon were talking over each other.

“What do you mean-”

“-kind of person _hires ninjas_ -”

“-out of your mind, Tim? What the-”

“-didn’t you tell us? Dude, Bro Code, c’mon-”

Tim held up a hand to quiet them, then answered, “I distinctly recall it being your idea.”

Kon gaped at him for a solid few seconds, then, half-hysterical, he answered, “Tim, dude, buddy, my platonic soulmate, _we were fucking joking_! We were drunk! Are you telling me that you took our stupid suggestion seriously and started recruiting ninjas? What the Hell, Tim? Have you lost your goddamn mind?”

There was a snort of laughter from behind them, then Jason cut in, “I don’t know why you’re so surprised. You guys have known this lunatic for how long? This is practically par for the course.”

Tim rolled his eyes at Jason and Jason kissed his cheek as Kon and Bart conceded to Jason’s point.


End file.
